Coping

To cope is to be able to carry on through the pain. I am not good at this. I don't really know if any of us are truly good at it.

Most days, I can get by. But, I'm tired of just getting by. I miss the ability to stay awake for a 16 hour stretch without needing a nap or insane amounts of caffeine. I miss being able to walk my dogs or go to the gym or climb the stairs.

The pain of daily life combined with the pain of loss is difficult. Being diagnosed with and accepting a lifelong deteriorating illness is much like losing a loved one. You grieve: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Sometimes, the cycle restarts itself after a setback or after hope raises its head only to be smacked down by reality shortly thereafter.

Again, I am caught in depression. I thought that I was existing pretty well on my own, but having the house to myself the past few days has really opened my eyes. I depend on others to take care of so many simple daily tasks, and now I realize that while I can do them myself, I end up in worse condition--exhausted, weak and in pain. I found myself having to ask for more assistance at work. I even needed to take an hour long break before I could walk to my car and drive myself home. I just sat there and pondered the situation. The longer I think about it, the more depressed I become. At the same time, I don't know how to break the cycle of depression. I know that it's not feasible to break the cycle of the disease. Remission in PA is rare, and even once the remission occurs, the existing damage to my joints will still cause a significant amount of pain. I try to hope for it, but that hope seems to be setting myself up for failure.

So, I compromise. I hope that things are no better and no worse than they are today. If tomorrow is better, hooray. If tomorrow is worse, it's much more bearable than the letdown of not getting better.